I’m freaking out. And my boyfriend is in bed, and he has school tomorrow. I don’t wanna wake him up. And I don’t really even want to talk to a human. I actually might not even finish my rant. I may grow weary. But I’ll start.
It kills me that my dad doesn’t support my decision to take antidepressants. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, admitting I need help. It is so embarrassing to not be okay. My dad doesn’t believe that it is an actual medical condition. He thinks that taking medication is the “easy way out”. Seriously, though, I had been trying and trying to get out of the hole that I always felt that I was in. When I go to my therapist, he calls it my “crazy doctor”. I know he’s kidding, but can he not call it that? It’s disrespectful. I already feel awful that he thinks I’m taking the “easy way out” of life. And then whenever I go to any other doctor and have to write down the meds I’m taking, he acts irritated when I write the antidepressant down. Like, do you think that’s going to help me? Making me feel even worse?
Also, I’m coming around to 20 years old. I don’t like that I have a curfew. I don’t buy this bullshit, “I can’t sleep when you aren’t home”. When I was in college, I stayed out as long as I wanted and answered to no one. And it doesn’t matter. He knows I hardly ever drink. I don’t smoke. I’m pretty responsible. I’m not the child that you missed out raising.
Also, a side effect of my medicine is insomnia. It takes an incredible amount of effort and time for me to fall asleep. And I never stay asleep, which has some to do with my diabetes, but also because I dream so terribly. My sleep is never well-rested sleep. He does not know when I got to bed, how often I wake up, how terrible my dreams/sleep are… so it pisses me off that he wants me to wake up at 9am every day. I slept so little in college, and I’m okay with that. But I should be able to sleep as late as my body needs now. It’s summer. I have an 8am 3 days a week this coming semester. So leave me alone. I clean up after myself and after him, so why does it matter when I wake up? The same amount of work is done. And it doesn’t influence when I go to bed. I CAN’T SLEEP. So please stop this bullshit.
I hate that I’m treated like a maid. I don’t mind cleaning. But all the cleaning should not be done by me. I’m not cleaning his bathroom for him again. He’s perfectly capable.
I know that I should have gotten a job. I got home from school late, though. I took a maymester (and got an A), so all the summer positions were taken. I put in an honest effort though. So I hate that I’m badgered about that. I never ask him for money. I haven’t once this whole summer. And he’s not at all struggling to make ends meet, either. I’m just so mad at all of this.
I don’t mind that my dad has a girlfriend. It’s weird, but not because my dad is with someone other than my mom. But because of the way he acts around her. They hang all over each other. It’s disgusting. And I’m COMPLETELY ignored so often whenever she’s here. She’s great. But stop ignoring me. Stop making her more important than everything else. And STOP asking her for parenting advice. She’s not my parent. He is just so awful to me when she’s here.
I kinda hate that they sleep in the same room. Only because Robert and I aren’t allowed to do the same. He’s been made aware that Robert and I are not sexually active and have no plans to be in the near future. He has no reason not to trust us. So it’s just weird. But also, there are a lot of people staying with us this week. My dad’s friend and his wife are staying in the master bedroom. The guest room is occupied by my dad’s other friend. And my dad asks me if he and Patsy can sleep in my room. I was just like, “uhh, okay.” I was left with the couch. I had even worse sleep than usual. But his friend that’s staying in the guest bedroom is gone until thursday. So I said he should stay in there so I can stay in my own room. And he was offended. Does it not make sense, though? No one would have to sleep on the couch. Gahhh. And then he tells me that Patsy has to wake up early for work, so they’re just going to sleep in my room. I asked what time, and he said 7am. I have to get up at 7:30am. And, besides, how does sleeping in my room make any more sense than the guest room just because she has to wake up early?
My dad is really hypocritical too. I sometimes find him self centered. Not at all when it comes to money. He’s pretty generous and responsible with that. But we were going to eat. And he wanted something specifically. Turns out that it closed early. My brother and I suggeted Wings n Things and he said he doesn’t like that place. And we wound up going to a Mexican place. I hate Mexican. We didn’t go where he didn’t like, but my tastebuds didn’t seem to matter. That’s just annoying. If I were like 10 or 11 I’d understand. But I’m 19. You can’t dismiss me like that.
Maybe my medicine isn’t working, but I’m just so down. I can’t stand to talk to anyone. I want to hide all the time. i’ll super clean anything and cook my dad something to eat, but then I want to be left alone.
I’m tired of my dad telling me everything I need to do better. Especially the stuff I’m taking when I move into my apartment. Everything I took home from college, fit in my dorm. Why would it not fit in my apartment? I DID give away and throw away a lot of clothes/items. And I’m taking the rest of my stuff, no matter what he says. I’d rather have too much, and have to take stuff home, than have too little, and have to drive back for something I NEED. I’d rather learn the lesson the hard way if I have to do it that way.
My hands are shaking and sweating. My head hurts. My heart is beating really fast, and I’m fighting the urge to cry. I know that I need to talk to my dad about this, but if you knew how intimidating he is, you’d understand. He doesn’t negotiate. What he says, goes. And I don’t think it’s fair. I’m not at all saying that I don’t need a parent, but I don’t need the parent that he’s trying to be.
Let me talk about something else, too. Currently, I do not have a “safe haven”. Every time I get settled somewhere, I have to move. I had to move from my mom’s to my dad’s. Two weeks later, I had to move from my dad’s to college. Then when I was getting used to that, winter break started, so I had to move back to my dad’s. But, then, back to college. I got used to that, and I had to move to another dorm for my maymester. I got settled there and had to move to my dad’s. Less than 2 months after, I will be moving into my apartment. I feel so overwhelmed and out of place. Notice I’m moving “into my dad’s” and not “home”. I don’t have a “home” right now. I don’t feel that way about anywhere. And when I go to my apartment, I’m not planning on coming home hardly ever really. Only when my dad absolutely makes me. Like, I don’t wanna come back for the breaks either. I’d rather make my own home. I’m sick of feeling like s visitor. I’m tired of feeling temporary.
I don’t know how to be okay. I just can’t do this.

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posted on June 18, 2012